Clash of the Titans

Desmond Davis’ “Clash of the Titans” was heralded as a cinematic spectacle of epic proportions when it first hit theaters in 1981. And there are many people who still consider it a movie masterpiece. Of course, there are also people who still think that Zima was a good alternative to beer.

Overacted and with now-painfully dated special effects, this movie somehow managed to gross $41 million domestic on a $16 million budget. For this reason, and this reason alone, this Throg Blog analysis is of the “Reversed” variety. Meaning that I am looking at a suspiciously successful movie, rather than a flagrant loser.

The wisdom of “Clash of the Titans” is not to be found in any of the elements presented in the trailer above. You have to watch the movie itself in order to find the real bearer of wisdom: “Bubo” the mechanical owl. Of course, the undiscerning viewer will naturally assume Bubo to be nothing more than a bit of comical relief… when in reality he is the operative symbol of divine guidance.

Perseus (Harry Hamlin), son of the immortal Zeus (Lawrence Olivier) and the mortal Danae (Vida Taylor), is a pivotal piece on the chessboard of the gods. For it is foretold that Perseus will destroy Danae’s father Acrisius (Donald Houston). And so the movie begins with Acrisius declaring, “I condemn my daughter Danae and her son Perseus to the sea!” Then we watch as Danae and her baby are locked in a floating coffin and pushed out into the waves.

But when Zeus receives word of this, he makes a declaration of his own: “A hundred good deeds cannot atone for one murder. […] Nothing can forgive this one act of contemptible murder and blood. […] Destroy Argos! […] Let loose the Kraken!”

Next thing we know, Poseidon (Jack Gwillim) is swimming down to a giant underwater sea cave. He turns a metal crank and raises the gate, allowing the monstrous Kraken free reign to carry out Zeus’ command to destroy Argos. But we are not given a good look at the Kraken. This is because he will appear again later in the film, and the director has decided to build up some suspense around the monster by withholding full-frontal images.

Oddly enough, if you watched the trailer, you already caught a glimpse of one of those images. Why? Well, for two reasons. 1: Because the movie’s marketers wanted to show future audience members something really amazing to draw them in. And 2: Because images of the Kraken are not nearly as priceless as images of Bubo. Watch the trailer as many times as you like and you will still never see any sign of the movie’s central character Bubo.

Bubo’s name is not some random fantasy name, but rather the name of a genus of owl, consisting of the American horned owls and the Old World eagle-owls (for the most part). This fact should indicate to any seasoned reader of Throg Blog that there is more truth in Bubo’s fiction than might at first be suspected.

But first some of the plot line before Bubo takes the stage…

As Zeus has ordained, the coffin containing Danae and her infant son Perseus, washes ashore on the Island of Seriphos. Perseus’ loving mother raises her son there in a sheltered environment. But this does not last. Because the sea goddess Thetis (Maggie Smith) hates Zeus, and by association hates his son Perseus as well.

See, Thetis had a handsome son named Calibos (Neil McCarthy) who was destined to marry the beautiful Andromeda (Judi Bowker), heir of Joppa. But Calibos was a fuckup, plain and simple. He lay to waste the lands that were given to him to control, and in other ways pissed Zeus off. And you never, ever, want to piss off the king of the gods. Well, not normally. Anyway, Zeus transformed Calibos into a hideous goat-like monster and banished him to the swamps.

Motivated by this back-story, Thetis magically teleports Perseus out of the safety of Seriphos and into the cosmopolitan city of Joppa, where he awakens to find himself in an amphitheater. There he meets the playwright Ammon (Burgess Meredith), who provides Perseus with a bit of history regarding Andromeda.

But I refuse to get into all of that right now, as this analysis is about BUBO, dammit! So, let’s keep pushing until we get there, okay?

Okay.

Zeus, being king of the gods and all, decides that Perseus could use a little assistance. With this objective in mind, he commands his subordinate goddesses to equip Perseus with magical gifts:

1. Aphrodite (Ursula Andress) gives him a sword.
2. Hera (Claire Bloom) gives him a shield.
3. Athena (Susan Fleetwood) gives him a helmet.

But, as the story unfolds, Perseus manages to lose the helmet. Zeus, being the doting father, orders Athena to give Perseus a replacement gift: namely, her prized pet owl. Athena will not stand for this, however, and orders Hephaestus to construct a golden mechanical version of her owl: Bubo!

Now, many viewers of this film HATE Bubo. There is even a terrific movie review by Scott Ashlin that dubs Bubo the Jar Jar Binks of “Clash of the Titans”. It can be found here. Give it a read if you want to understand more fully why this movie deserves not a Reversed, but a Standard Throgging.

But whereas Mr. Ashlin believes Bubo to be nothing more than a comical piece of shit, we here at Throg Blog are going to argue that Bubo is the guardian of a great mystery…

First off, Bubo is an owl (however artificial), which connects him to wisdom. Secondly, he is crafted from gold, which is the material that is the metaphorical goal of the Great Work of Alchemy – which is in reality the development of a willed soul. Thirdly, he is a bird, speaking the Language of the Birds = The Green Language = the language of the gods. And, lastly, he is a clockwork contraption, meaning that he is representative of the clockwork nature of the universe.

All things are planned.

The goddess Thetis, when she transports Perseus to the amphitheater of Joppa, declares that it is time for Perseus to face fear and be subject to “chance”. But chance is an illusion, and it is Bubo who proves this.

How? Why, by facilitating Perseus’ victories, of course.

Now, we here at Throg Blog will admit that Perseus, being a hero and all, does accomplish a fair amount of heroism without Bubo’s help. In fact, he defeats Calibos, his rival for the hand of Andromeda, sans Bubo, and even manages to marry Andromeda halfway through the movie.

But Perseus cannot secure a happy ending all by himself.

Calibos cries out to his goddess of a mother Thetis, beseeching her for “justice” in order to “punish Perseus for this blasphemy.” And Thetis responds with a copout: “Perseus is protected by Zeus himself. There is nothing I can do.” Still, Calibos insists, “I demand justice!!” only to be asked the following rhetorical question by his mother: “Justice? Or revenge?” And yet Thetis, like all the gods, is a hypocrite. For when Andromeda’s mother Cassiopeia (Siân Phillips) declares at the hand-binding ceremony of her daughter and Perseus that Andromeda is “[e]ven more lovely than the goddess Thetis herself,” Thetis gets royally pissed and decrees that Andromeda must be sacrificed to the Kraken.

Clearly, Thetis is all about revenge and chance, as opposed to will and justice.

However, the universe balances itself according to its own mysterious clockwork design. This being the case, it should be clear that Bubo, being a clockwork construct, is more capable than even the mighty Zeus of making manifest the will of the universe.

Of course, if you have not seen the movie, then you have no idea just how pivotal Bubo is to Perseus’ success. So, allow me to make a little list:

1. Bubo steals the eye from the Stygian witches so that Perseus may learn how to defeat the Kraken.
2. Bubo frees Pegasus from Calibos’ henchmen so that Perseus may arrive in time to save Andromeda.
3. Bubo retrieves the Medusa’s head, after Perseus drops it, so that Perseus may at last turn the Kraken to stone.

If Bubo failed to perform any of these acts, then Perseus would fail, and not even Zeus could change the outcome.

All hail Bubo!

And yet, had Perseus not had it in himself the will necessary to play the hero, then even Bubo's actions would have ultimately accomplished nothing.

Therefore, the wisdom of “Clash of the Titans” (in a nutshell) is that the universe functions by nature of a clockwork law working hand in hand with human will.

Bubo and Perseus are a team to be reckoned with, indeed.

Bill Osco’s Alice in Wonderland: An Adult Musical Comedy

Subversive Cinema managed to bring to 2007 DVD players across America Bill Osco’s 1976 “Alice in Wonderland” in both the original X, and a previously unreleased XXX version. This is storybook porn, which is something unique. And thank God for that, because I do not believe that such a genre should ever become mainstream, even in the porn industry. Let’s keep this one in a very small niche, people!

The difference between the X and XXX versions of this film are the bits of missing XXX footage that the producer “has relented” to make available to the viewing public. So, instead of just tits and ass, we get to see cock and cunt as well – in full action. But don’t go thinking that this is anything like today’s hardcore pornography. No, there’s story, too. Also, song and dance. And witty banter. And – believe it or not – some heavy wisdom regarding the nature of the self.

The opening credits of this movie, which calls itself “An X-Rated Musical Fantasy”, is graced with a song that asks: “Where are you goin’ girl? Are you lookin’ for a rainbow in the sky?” The song asks this of Alice, our lovely leading lady – played by none other than former Playmate Kristine DeBell – and then reassures her that there’s a “whole new world” waiting for her if she will only allow herself to experience it.

But Alice is having a hard time with that. After the opening credits, we find Alice at work in a library, bemoaning her life’s lack of fulfillment. Still, she has no one to blame but herself.

Why?

Because when her boyfriend William (Ron Nelson) enters the library (with apple in hand) and tries to get some woo on, Alice pushes him away. “I’m just not that kind of girl.” And in an attempt to divert the subject to anything but sex, she asks him why he is wearing a shirt with someone else’s name on it. He does not answer, but the perceptive viewer will note that his shirt does indeed read “Craig”.

The name William is said to mean the following: “will/desire” + “helmet/protection”. Perhaps the true William is indeed a randy knight, or maybe he will at least use a condom, or protect Alice after he knocks her up. But the name Craig means: “cliff/rock”, which maybe is what he is presenting Alice with: no choice but to jump on in.

Alice, by the way, means “noble/truthful”, which suggests that she will be the only one with an upright perspective in the topsy-turvy world of Wonderland she is about to enter.

Frustrated, William states his case: “The body’s all grown up, but the mind’s still a little girl’s. […] You’re missin’ so much. You’ve got all the right equipment, but you don’t know how to put it to work.” And he drops the apple in the trashcan.

Alice chooses to work her boring library job rather than work William, so William leaves, blue balling it right out the door. Then, alone and unsatisfied, Alice does what any self-respecting virgin would do at a time like this. (No, not that!) She gives herself a little pep talk:

“Gee, I wonder if I could grow up all over again?” She thinks a bit and says, “Sure I can grow up again. I can at least try.”

Enter the White Rabbit (Larry Gelman), who shares some cryptic words before disappearing through a looking glass. And Alice follows to find herself in a mysterious room with a very tiny door. There she drinks a potion, conveniently labeled “Drink me”, and shrinks down to a more door-appropriate size. Also of interest here is the potted tree in the room that bears one bright red apple. This – like the apple in William’s hand earlier – symbolizes the apple in the Garden of Eden: loss of innocence.

D: “You know the Easter eggs on this DVD are snippets of real porn.”
S: “Yeah. Right.”

After using the diminutive doorway to exit the room, Alice chases after the White Rabbit through a forest, where she stumbles and falls into a lake. “I can’t swim!” she cries. And a creature called a Scrub asks the logical question, “Then what are you doing in the water?”

It is this joking question that opens up some of the wisdom hidden in this movie. After all, if we were not meant to have sex, then why would we have sexual organs? And, spreading this idea even wider, we begin to see that any and all possible things are in some strange way sanctioned by the universe. This seems to me to include making porno out of beloved children’s literature and other “abominable acts”, like the incest later demonstrated by the humping couple of Tweedledum (Bree Anthony as Sue Tsengoles) and Tweedledee (Tony Richards as Tony Tsengoles).

What?

I know. I know. I have gone too far. Or have I?

There is a song in the movie that celebrates the power of imagination. “Just use your mind,” it encourages. And then it goes on to say, “It’s for every little kid from zip to ninety-three.”

Zip to ninety-three. (0 to 93).

Oh boy. Here is a ton of esoteric wisdom. Zip, or zero is the number of the Tarot card “The Fool”, the only card of the Major Arcana that has no number, and in the absence of number contains all numbers. The Fool is the beginning and the end, the Alpha and Omega of existence. Or at least the Alpha, the egg from which all potential manifestations arise.

And what about 93? Well, the 93 Current is a cryptic way of referring to the lightning bolt of creation, arching downward through the Tree of Life (this is Qaballah, people), from the Crown of limitless potential (Kether) to the Kingdom of specific manifestation (Malkuth).

And the Universe seems to have license to manifest anything and everything, from lollipops to rape, no?

R: “Why are you getting so dark, man? It’s a fucking kid’s book!”
D: “No. Actually it’s a fucking porno.”
R: “Oh. Right.”

After Alice receives a bit of oral sex from some of the inhabitants of the land (see, they lick her dry after her fall into the lake), she wanders back into the forest and sits alone on a rock. But the rock makes a noise, and the following exchange takes place:

Alice: “Rocks can’t talk. […] I’m going crazy.”
Rock: [after assuring Alice that she is not going crazy] “You’re just not paying attention to what’s there. […] What are you hiding there?”
Alice: “Nothing.”
Rock: “Now isn’t that better? […] You’re all alone out here with just your imagination.”
Alice: “I know.” […] “It isn’t nice.”
Rock: “There isn’t one part of you that’s nice and another that isn’t.”
Alice: “I guess it is kinda nice.”

And what are Alice and the Rock talking about? Why, masturbation, of course!

After Alice rubs one out, she discovers, much to her chagrin, that the White Rabbit (like the movie viewer) has been watching the whole time.

Alice complains that peeping isn’t nice, to which the White Rabbit offers an observation on masturbation: “Yes, it does give you an appetite. Come.”

D: “I’m surprised he didn’t say, ‘[A]ppetite for come!’”

What he means by this is that masturbation makes you hungry for sex; just as watching porn makes you hungry for more explicit, exciting porn.

Next thing we find Alice doing is giving head to the Mad Hatter (Alan Novak), witnessing Humpty Dumpty (Bucky Searles as Bradford Armdexter) getting an erection, watching Tweedledum and Tweedledee (those incestuous siblings!) 69 each other, and…

But wait, I’m skipping past the wisdom!

After receiving his blow job, the Mad Hatter heads out with Alice and crew to find the King (John Lawrence) and Queen (Juliet Graham) of Wonderland. But they get lost along the way. Except that the Mad Hatter refuses to admit being lost.

Mad Hatter: “We couldn’t be lost or we wouldn’t know where we are.”

Shortly thereafter they happen upon Tweedledum and Tweedledee, who declare that they are HERE. And when they 69 each other, we see that they are forming a Yin Yang symbol with their bodies.

TD&TD: “We’ll get together for you.”

What Tweedledum and Tweedledee demonstrate through their act of incest is that the Self is always Here, and that finding one’s missing half is all that is required.

Alice: “Now I need a someone, a someone who’s mine.”

Apparently Alice is not yet ready to fuck freely amongst the inhabitants of Wonderland. She is still looking for Mr. Right. Or maybe William (or Craig, as the case may be).

Next, Alice and company happen upon a woman (Gila Havana) riding a knight (Bruce Finklesteen) out in broad daylight. Alice tells her that this is not nice, and somehow the topic of marriage comes up. The woman says, regarding sex and marriage: “Can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

And this turns out to be particularly true for this woman, whose knight lover proves to be in a relationship with another man – angry at the little tryst in which he has found his male lover to be involved.

Eventually Alice arrives at Court, where the King tells her: “May my rod and staff comfort thee.”

Alice, unsure about the nature of this Biblical reference, asks what this means.

The King’s forthright answer is: “Let’s fuck.”

But Alice does not wish to fuck the King, as she hopes that William/Craig will be the one to pop her cherry. “I want to be pure for him,” she says.

King: “What’s this ‘pure’?”

When Alice fails to provide a satisfactory answer to this question, the King provides one of his own. He says, “Learn to trust yourself.” With this, the King underlines the importance of the metaphysical quest of Self-Definition.

Alice demonstrates her understanding of this lesson when she says, “[Growing up] is learning to believe in yourself and trust yourself and not a lot of other people.”

As if summoned by magic, the Queen then makes her entrance, demanding that Alice give her head.

Queen: “I want her head!”

When Alice refuses to go down on the Queen, she is put to trial. If she is found Guilty, she is to go down on the Queen. If found Innocent, she is to go down on the Judge.

Alice asks what crime she has committed.

Judge: “Not havin’ love, that’s the crime.”

Alice is found Guilty and sentenced to going down on the Queen. As she retires to the Queen’s chambers, all the other inhabitants of the Court engage in orgiastic revelry WHILE EATING FOOD. Eating and fucking. “Tasty!”

This is important, because is underlines the fact that sex is the fulfillment of an APPETITE. It is an act of energetic consumption! And while Alice eats out the Queen, she is essentially in danger of having the Queen consume her personal sense of WILL.

So, after going down on the now-slumbering Queen, Alice, with the help of the White Rabbit and Mad Hatter, runs away… and a chase scene ensues.

Eventually, Alice dives screaming into the lake, “I can’t swim!”

Next thing you know, she wakes up in the library where the movie began, and has sex with William.

S: “This movie sucks! Ha-ha.”
D: “I know.”

After fucking William, Alice rides on horseback, runs through meadows, and slides down rock formations into a grotto where she swims.

S: “Getting fucked gave her the ability to swim.”

So we see that sex is a lesson. It is a natural aspect of who we are, the specifics of which are to be determined by our efforts of Self-Definition.

The movie ends with the following words:

AND SO

ALICE SETTLED DOWN

GOT MARRIED

RAISED A FAMILY

IN A HOUSE

WITH

A WHITE PICKET FENCE

FILLED WITH KIDS

AND A LITTLE

ARF! ARF!

PUPPY

* * * * * * * * *

AND

THEY ALL LIVED

HAPPILY

EVER AFTER

* * * * * * * * *

BE SURE TO

PICK UP A COPY

OF

ALICE’S NEW BOOK

“FEAR OF SHRINKING”

And you may very well be asking yourself, “What was the wisdom, again?”

Well, in a nutshell, the wisdom to be taken from “Bill Osco’s Alice in Wonderland: An Adult Musical Comedy” is simply that Self-Definition is not limited to appropriate behavior. For, when you use your imagination, you may very well find that the sacred cows of your childhood are nothing more than fodder for sexual exploration, which is all a part of “growing up”.

Ninja Cheerleaders

Say “Hello” to David Presley’s “Ninja Cheerleaders” (2008). Early on in the movie, we are given the “personal” stats of all three. You know, so we – as movie viewers – may drool over the sexy high school hotties dancing on our screen.

MONICA, 18, SCORPIO
FAVORITE BAND: THE STROKES
FAVORITE BOOK: LULLABY BY CHUCK PALLAHNIUK
FAVORITE MOVE: SPINNING SIDE KICK

APRIL, 18, ARIES
FAVORITE BAND: THE KILLERS
FAVORITE BOOK: THE ART OF WAR BY SUN TZU
FAVOIRTE MOVE: THROAT/GROIN COMBO

COURTNEY, 19, LEO
FAVORITE BAND: L.A. PHILHARMONIC
FAVORITE BOOK: BLACK HOLES AND TIME WARPS BY KIP THORNE
FAVORITE MOVE: OPEN PALM NOSE PUNCH

However, these three pin-up girls (played by Maitland McConnell, Ginny Weirick and Trishelle Cannatella, respectively) cannot save this movie from being bad. Way bad. And, OMG! Even though George Takei makes an appearance as the ninja sensei Hiroshi, the movie still blows balls. (No offense intended).

Here’s the movie plot in a nutshell: MAC (short for Monica, April and Courtney) are precocious high school students who study the martial arts on the side. And not just any martial arts. They are actually, as the movie begins, in the process of being inducted into a secret order of ninjas. And, academically, they’ve set their sights on Brown University. Of course, Brown’s tuition will be exorbitant. So, to earn the money for their future education, these three high school seniors perform at a strip club run by their ninja sensei: “Strip Palace”.

“I’m not a stripper. I’m a go-go dancer,” declares one of the MAC.
“Fine line,” judges some character whose name I don’t remember.
“Not with me,” says the same one of the MAC who spoke before.

Regardless of the true nature of their nighttime moneymaking activities, MAC face a serious dilemma when Hiroshi is kidnapped and all of their college money is stolen from the Strip Palace safe. Suddenly, their futures as ninjas, strippers and/or college students are all brought into question.

Oh my!

Now, I could relate more of the story to you, but Throg would much rather focus right now on the hidden wisdom.

This movie is about manifestation vs. potential. This trio of characters is an ensemble (potential) of separate individuals (manifestation). They hold on to idiosyncratic specifics (manifestation) like Brown University, ninja training and go-go dancing, all within the melting pot-like frameworks (potential) of high school, martial arts and stripping.

And the movie crosses a number of lines of its own in each of the following ways:

1. It flashes stripper boob footage at random intervals.
2. It depicts torture and plays around with sexual violence.
3. It fails to be consistent regarding its own plot line.
4. It fails to develop any of the characters beyond a patchwork of annoying stereotypes.

And that’s what is brilliant about the movie.

Why?

Because it highlights for the viewer the fact that reality is both general and specific, blurred and focused. There are lines. And there are no lines. There are rules. And there are no rules. Everything is limitless potential from the viewpoint of the director. And no change is possible from the viewpoint of the finished product.

So, be careful how you manifest your own peculiar potential, dear reader. Otherwise, the movie of your life could be as bad as “Ninja Cheerleaders”.

S: “See, this is why I don’t let you pick the movies.”
D: “But, baby, it’s supposed to be bad.”

The Machine Girl

Noboru Iguchi's comedic slasher "The Machine Girl" (2008) is not for the squeamish or the easily offended. Starring Minase Yashiro as Ami Hyuga, the "One Armed Ballistic Assault Heroine", this film is a violent revenge flick with an undeniable video game quality that turns shock into twisted fun. I could describe the characters and their motives, but I think a simple viewing of the trailer will get you up to speed:



Okay. Got it? Ami has lost a brother (and an arm), and she wants revenge. Pretty cut and dried, really. Except that this movie is not so much dry as it is "drenched in rivers of blood."

D: "Everything squirts."
B: "That's gross."

Yeah. Well, so it is. The movie kicks off with a fight scene, in which The Machine Girl shows off her killing chops in order to save a young boy from a pack of Yakuza bullies. But when the battle is won, the rescued boy, horrified by the physical brutality he has just witnessed, runs away, screaming, "You're a murderer!"

And this sets our Ballistic Assault Heroine to thinking. "He's right. I am a murderer. But just six months ago I was an ordinary high school girl who could hold her little brother with her left arm."

It's amazing, really, how deftly Iguchi manages to strip the viewer, early on, of any emotional investment s/he might try to place in Ami's hands - uh, hand. Whatever. And that seems to be the lesson of the movie. To learn to watch anything with complete detachment.

As the innocent high school student, Ami tells her brother that "[v]iolence doesn't solve anything." But after surviving the murder of her brother and being tortured by Yakuza villains, she sings a different tune. Having lost an arm and a brother, she also loses her perspective, and revenge becomes her "soul" purpose.

But Ami, like everyone else in the film, has no "soul". She is a machine through and through. Her actions are nothing more than mechanical reactions to the abusive movie environment in which the writer-director Iguchi has placed her. In fact, she has a crazed moment of self-awareness when she runs through the streets shouting, "I am The Devil. I've turned into The Devil!"

Of course she is NOT The Devil. She is simply The Devil's latest Tool/Toy, His latest form of entertainment. Like a movie. Like this movie.

T: "This is such a bad movie."
D: "Almost as bad as that Yakuza's hair."
D: "And that guy looks like a Japanese Abraham Lincoln. It's Japraham Linoln!"

Oh! If only there were an Abraham Lincoln, someone who would emancipate us from this movie! And that, dear readers, is the key.

B: "This movie is so fucking corny!!!"
D: "Wow. This movie is making you violent!"

The key turns.

But is it locking us in, or setting us free?

You decide.

Ator: The Fighting Eagle

Joe D'Amato's "Ator: The Fighting Eagle" (1982), if it is not Italian cinema at its finest, is at least good for laughs. Laughs unintended by D'Amato, I am sure, but good solid laughs just the same.

Maybe in the original Italian this movie is a low-budget masterpiece. But I doubt it. Sincerely. Which is why it makes such excellent Throgging material. And if you don't believe me, just have a look at the overlong and poorly written prologue to the film (spoken in English by a narrator who sounds like he is Moses reading aloud the Ten Commandments for the very first time - you know, with holy gravitas and all that):

"And lo, the Kingdom of the Spiders shall last one-thousand years, and the people shall suffer one-thousand years, for it is written. And this time shall be known as the Age of Darkness, for the shadow of the Spider shall be the law. Indeed, the people shall pay tribute to the word of the master, and live in bondage in the valley of the shadows, even unto the very mists of the volcano that sleeps above. Take heed. When the one-thousand years is done, a man will come to promise a different way, and he shall be named Torren. Many will believe, and many will be persecuted. The sign of Torren will bear witness to the legend, but Torren will fail. For the wrath of the Spider King is mighty indeed, and the people of the valley shall weep, for there is no hope. For it is also written that the Spider King will reign until the day the mountain speaks forth in anger. Then out of the darkness the prophecy relives. For Torren cast his seed upon the wind, and even in death to him is born a son."

I'm not exactly sure what is going on here, but we have a "mountain speak[ing] forth in anger" (stock footage of an exploding volcano) and the birth of a child whom his father, the legendary Torren, seems to have sired by ejaculating into the wind, which leads us to the opening scene (after the prologue) of Ator's birth. And we know that he is the one who will "relive" the prophecy that his father Torren failed to fulfill, because the narrator has told us so. And we must believe what the narrator tells us, because he is reading from a book of infallible prophecy. After all, the thousand-year duration of the Kingdom of the Spiders and the suffering of the people have taken place for no other reason than that "it is written".

So, the movie kicks off with the following correlation:

Word of the Prophet = Word of God = Word of the Writer (D'Amato)

And now I can hear the questions forming in your head: "If this is the case, then we can expect the movie to be built upon an unshakable narrative foundation, right?"

Actually, no.

So, let's have a look at some of the "cracks in the foundation", beginning with the movie's trailer:



That was fun, wasn't it? Now, let's break it down:

"In an age of innocence, before the dawn of fear, two special people found each other. Miles O'Keeffe is Ator, Sabrina Siani is Roon, fighting an evil that threaten[s] their life, their love. This is their journey, their adventure, the birth of a new legend, a new hero, and a true heroine. Ator! [Rated PG - Starts Friday at a theater near you]"

Okay. Since I've really no idea where to begin, I'll just run through the trailer announcement from start to finish:

Crack #1: If you recall the movie's prologue, it is not set in an "age of innocence, before the dawn of fear". Rather, it is set towards the end of the thousand-year-long "Age of Darkness", during which time "the people [...] suffer".

Crack #2: Here the name "Ator" is pronounced with a long A, but in the movie proper it is pronounced with a short A, like the A in "CAT".

Crack #3: Although the evil of the Spider Kingdom does indeed threaten the lives of the movie's hero and heroine, it does not threaten their love. The only thing that threatens Ator and Roon's love is Ator, who refuses to get romantically involved on account of his life-long passion for his "sister" Sunya. (I'll explain later.)

Crack #4: Roon is just as much a "true heroine" as heroin (without the E) is a "mild sedative". See, Roon has but two goals: Ator's dick and the Spider Kingdom's gold. No destiny. No altruistic nobility. Just honest greed and sex drive.

Crack(s) #5 through #20: Okay, I'm cheating here. Because these cracks - not in the trailer - are the various shots of scantily clad asses that pepper the movie. From Roon, Sunya, and a bunch of nameless others. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you, as it does at least offer some distraction from the bad acting and non-existent special effects that make up the rest of the movie.

"But what does this mean? It's just a bad movie that was promoted by a bad trailer, right?" you ask.

Well, no. Again, no. I mean, yes, it is a bad movie promoted by a bad trailer, but not "just" that, as we here at Throg Blog always dig deeper than your average movie reviewers. For, as it is written, Throg Blog "is dedicated to unearthing those gems of insight lost to us - until now - in the sludge of bad movies." So, prepare to be amazed by the wondrous revelation of timeless wisdom to follow!

Remember the correlation above?

Word of the Prophet = Word of God = Word of the Writer (D'Amato)?

Well, when I said that there were cracks in the narrative foundation of "Ator: The Fighting Eagle", I twisted the truth a bit. Because, after announcing the existence of these cracks, I then proceeded not to demonstrate anything wrong with the actual Word of D'Amato, but instead with the Word of the Movie Trailer Narrator. The cracks are not so much in the FOUNDATION of the movie (the original Italian source) as they are in the American TRANSLATION.

If translations are lies, then truth can only be experienced directly, and as Alfred Korzybski (1879 -1950) is known to have stated, "The map is not the territory." Which means, on one level, that the American version of a movie originally filmed in Italian is going to be something OTHER than the "real thing". But even the Italian film itself is nothing more than a series of signposts, all pointing - some more directly than others - towards the truth of D'Amato's vision.

In the movie's beginning, Ator is born with the sign of Torren, a birthmark on the upper left of his chest that signifies his prophetic destiny as the one who will accomplish the task of overthrowing the evil Spider Kingdom. But he is not born in secrecy. For, when the volcano erupts, a Spider warrior runs to inform the high priest of the Spider that "[t]he earth trembles like a virgin being drawn to the nuptial bed". Soon after this report is given, the giant eagle head statue in the high priest's chambers cries tears of blood.

Why there is a statue of an EAGLE's head in the seat of power of the SPIDER kingdom, I really don't know, but that's how the story goes.

Dakkar (the Spider's high priest), aware that the son of Torren has been born, declares: "We must prevent the prophecy from being fulfilled." He then orders his warriors to slay all of the newborn infants in the land. But Dakkar's plan is thwarted by Griba (played by Edmund Purdom), a mysterious man who delivers the baby Ator to new parents so that they may raise him as their own.

Consequently, Ator grows up with a serious hottie of a step-sister name Sunya, with whom he falls in love. There's a brilliant conversation in the movie, between Ator and Sunya, about how they long to marry one another but cannot, because they are siblings. Determined to find a way into Sunya's pants, Ator declares that he will speak with their parents, to see if there is not some way around this moral obstacle.

When he approaches his parents, Ator is told the good news: "Sunya is not your sister!" And when he asks why he was never told that he was adopted, his mother explains, "We didn't, Ator, because we thought it would make you unhappy."

So, with the removal of an (innocent) lie, Ator is granted the opportunity to marry his beloved Sunya. The ceremony that follows, with lots of nubile dancers dancing, climaxes in the nuptial chamber (really just a tent-hut made out of tree branches), where Ator and Sunya prepare to get it on. But, before they even share their very first kiss, the Spider Kingdom warriors attack!

After a bunch of badly choreographed fighting, Ator finds himself alone (well, except for his pet bear, but we won't get into that) in his decimated village. His mother and father are now mere corpses, and Sunya is nowhere to be found.

Ator soon learns that Sunya has been taken away to the high priest of the Spider Kingdom, and vows to rescue her. In this way, God/D'Amato manages to translate Ator's desire to fulfill Sunya's kitty into a desire to fulfill his own destiny, which is to overthrow the rule of the Spider Kingdom.

Later in the movie, Ator actually points this out, when he says to Roon, "A man's fate is only revealed to a man when he is half-way through his life." Because otherwise fate/destiny is reduced to ILLUSION.

"Huh?"

Let me explain. If a person knows far enough in advance what his destiny happens to be, and if he doesn't like it, he can choose differently, thereby unraveling fate. In other words, the map may be separated from the territory, and what is written need not match what actually happens. Or so Ator reasons.

Except that fate, being oh-so-clever and in control, makes sure that we never figure things out in time to exercise our free will. At least not in such a way as to overturn our destiny. Because, by the time we become aware of our fate, we have been pummeled into submission and find ourselves "choosing" what has already been chosen for us.

In this way, it is as if the MAP breathes life into the TERRITORY, and not the other way around.

"But maps are just maps, words are just words, and movies are just movies!" you shout.

And you're right. It's all illusion, ultimately. As you peel away the layers of reality, like the layers of an onion, you eventually reach a certain center that is just another layer, no more real than the last one. And yet, it is inescapable.

All of this is wonderfully summed up in the credits. Remember the high priest of the Spider Kingdom named Dakkar? Well, in the credits, where character names are given on the left and actor's names on the right, we find the following:

High priest of the spider - Dakkar

A fictional role followed by a fictional character name. How odd! But, hold on. Dakar (one K) is the real name used by the actor, who happens to be a former wrestler. So his wrestling stage name was used in the movie, and we have an interesting blending of truth and fiction.

Like the Ouroboros swallowing its tail, D'Amato's film swallows the TALE of one of its own actors.

Which suggests that the reality show of the universe is both scripted and improvised.

I just hope that, after the final cut, it's a much better show than "Ator: The Fighting Eagle", which no amount of legs and ass could save from its own futile cinematic destiny.

So it is written.

Bubba Ho-Tep

It could be argued that this little movie, directed by Don Coscarelli and based on the short story by Joe R. Lansdale, is a little too good to deserve a Throgging. And yet, despite the fact that Bubba Ho-Tep (2002) and its lead, Bruce Campbell won a number of film awards, I have deemed this relatively successful movie Throg-worthy ... mostly due to its spectacularly ridiculous premise, which goes something like this:

When Elvis Presley died in 1977, it wasn't Elvis Presley who did the dying. Rather it was Sebastian Haff, a professional Elvis impersonator from back in the day, whom Elvis himself paid to assume his identity. In this way, the real Elvis was able to become Sebastian Haff and free himself from the life of fame and fortune that had become his prison.

But that's not the ridiculous part. This is:

Now, the real Elvis, "living" in an East Texas nursing home as Sebastian Haff, no longer sees any point in living at all. But, before he kicks the bucket, he finds himself and his fellow residents (one of whom happens to be an elderly black man claiming to be the real JFK, played by Ossie Davis), threatened by an ancient, soul-suckin' Egyptian mummy (Bubba Ho-Tep, played by Bob Ivy) that dresses in good ol' boy western wear. So it's Elvis and JFK out to save the day.

That's pretty much it. And, consequently, viewers get treated to a mishmash of horror, comedy and drama that keeps them off their aesthetic balance the whole way through.

Likewise, the voice of Elvis (again played by Bruce Campbell) in the DVD commentary, doesn't know what to make of things. Is this a drama or a comedy? High budget or low budget? And what, exactly, is this Bruce Campbell fella on screen trying to say about the real Elvis?

And now you can probably see why I am Throgging this movie. Because it brings into question definitions of self.

For example, when the Elvis audio commentator sees the Bruce Campbell/Sebastian Haff/Elvis character using a walker to get around, he says that Elvis would never need a walker. But, based on other things he says in the commentary, you know that Elvis is lying. And still he has the balls to say:

"The heroes of your pictures, they can't be lyin'. They just gotta be tellin' the truth all the time." - This incredible statement reveals an Elvis "buying into" the false Elvis iconography that has stolen his life.

But who is the real Elvis?

The gyrating superstar, the womanizing druggy, or someone else entirely?

When asked, "Why would you wanna be somebody else?" Elvis answers:

"Got tired of it. I was hooked on pills, you know [...] I wanted out. And this boy Sebastian Haff, he was an Elvis impersonator, he was the best of 'em. He took my place. Problem is he had a bad heart. He liked drugs, too. Liked 'em more than I did. So, it was him that died, not me. I just took his place."

And when asked again, "But why would you wanna leave all that fame, Mr. Presley, all that money?" Elvis answers:

"'Cause they got old. The woman I loved, Priscilla, she was gone. The rest of the women were just women. I mean, the music wasn't mine anymore. I wasn't even me anymore, just this thing they made up. My friends, well they were suckin' me dry. So, I took a little road trip down to Nacogdoches, to check out this Sebastian Haff."

Notice that Elvis says that his friends were "suckin' [him] dry." I point this out, because soul suckin' is what the mummy Bubba Ho-Tep does in the movie. And the mummy's orifice of choice for soul suckin' just so happens to be one's asshole.

But why the asshole, Throg?

Let Elvis tell you, little Timmy ...

"Well, goddamn it, I'll be damned if I let some foreign graffiti-writin' soul-suckin' son-of-a-bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friends' souls and shit 'em down the visitor's toilet."

Now, don't trouble your mind with the physical logistics of all this anal lingo. Just skip right over to the truth of the matter, which is that the world can overwhelm your very soul - flush it down the sewers of eternity - unless you are willing to take ownership of who you really are.

See, all of the characters in this movie are running away from something, from themselves. And it isn't until they have nowhere else to run, it isn't unitl a soul-suckin' mummy named Bubba Ho-Tep corners them and their sense of self that they are given no choice but to fight back.

And that's when Bruce Campbell/Sebastian Haff/Elvis becomes a force to be reckoned with, a force willing to risk life and limb to put an end to Bubba's reign of terror.

Only after Bubba Ho-Tep is finally defeated does Elvis truly earn his name. Not a name borrowed from a made-up musical icon, but a name of self, a name that may be deservedly written in the stars.

Only bear in mind this important bit of Yin-Yang truth:

For any star to shine, it must be set against the darkness of space.

Or, to put it another way:

For any person to claim their true self, they must first deal with their shit.

The Cocaine Fiends

Wm. A. O'Connor's "The Cocaine Fiends" (1935) is another 1930's propaganda/exploitation film à la "Reefer Madness" (1936) - see my analysis of that film here - that claims to aim to educate the American public on the perils of illicit drug use. * Perils! Ha! I'll show you perils... with my fist! * But what it really does, by appealing to a pedestrian mindset fascinated by the forbidden, is to reinforce social mores and all the ignorant, authoritarian claptrap that goes with them.

Again, I am not taking a stand here regarding the legal (or illegal) status of controlled substances. What I am doing is digging for metaphysical truth. * You got a problem with that? Okay then. Watch it. * Hopefully, this time around, under the influence of "The Cocaine Fiends", I will quickly hammer out my argument with clarity, rather than wander aimlessly, like I did with "Reefer Madness".

So, in the interest of brevity, I will discuss neither this movie's plot nor its characters. Both are a waste of cinematic time, anyway. * Wm. A. O'Connor owes me big. Owes me more than an hour of my life back! * What I will discuss is the movie's medium.

No, I am not talking about a gypsy fortuneteller. Instead, I mean the physical vehicle of the film itself. * Keep it up, and I'll shoot you. *

Although I of course watched this movie on DVD, it is still readily apparent that this movie was originally shot on film. In black and white. Way back in the '30s. And the film stock was not very well taken care of. Sections are missing, causing the playback to jump and stutter in such a way that the viewer must fill in the blanks on his/her own, using only the surrounding shots as a contextual guide.

Now, you might think that this just makes the movie that much more dated and/or amusing. But I am going to argue here * yeah, with you * that it actually provides us with an interesting metaphor.

Film Stock Integrity = Consensus Reality

In other words, our social systems, our moral codes, indeed, most of the things we share as human beings on this planet Earth, are intangible constructs of Group Mind. Some of these constructs hold together over the years much better than others, meaning that care is required in order to maintain the integrity not only of film stock, but of our societal roles.

And I'm not just talking about one person's social status. I'm talking about the entire social edifice, from pinnacle to foundation. * And, between you and me, we both know who's on top right? Right! * Because all of it depends on our agreements as conscious beings to work and play within the limits of society.

Now just as there are different types of media through which a film may be preserved (film, video tape, DVD, etc.), there are ________ types __ social arrangem____ through whi__ __cial mores may be preserved. __d, the mor_ frag__e the arrangement, the more depe__ent upon the mind becomes the ________ of reality.

Say what?

Well, if enough rules get broken, we gotta supply our own.

Cocaine is Anarchy. Anarchy is Cocaine.